5 posts tagged “apprentice”

The task is to design packaging for a box of tissues, and produce a TV ad. Never in the field of reality TV has so little a premise delivered so much.

Alpha is headed by Alex, with Lucinda and Lee. Renaissance is helmed by Raef, with Claire, Helene and Michael.

The increasingly demented Lucinda (a woman who makes me want to stab kittens) suggests a gay tissue theme. Pitching this to screamingly heterosexual Lee, and his beard, Alex; probably not the best move - "I don't want to go round to Lee's house and see he's got gay tissues; sitting on his table; gayley, in all their gayness!" (I'm paraphrasing slightly); "nah mate, yeah, too right mate!".

Lucinda is clearly in the wrong group. Her pitch would have met with more interest over at Renaissance. Where Raef and Michael are taking creative control and method acting out their TV script. Raef's "oh you've got yoghurt all over your face!" is right up there with images of Sebastian Coe and William Hague's judo sessions. Cabbing over to the shoot the next morning they exchange their favourite show tune melodies - Michael doing a credible Fagin, and Raef being quite the nancy.

Just when you though it couldn't get any more Brokeback, their brand spokesperson for the day arrives: Sian 'poor mans Judy Garland' Lloyd. Who they both agree is sweet, wholesome, and perhaps a little bit tragic..........

It is quite the most bizarre choice. If you were ranking TV presenters by tissue consumption Sian Lloyd would be pretty far down the running order. Melissa Theuriau on the other hand....

Anyway, Alpha threw together a pretty standard commercial which rammed the pack shot down your throat and shouted about the benefits - they won hands down. Which meant Raef was in the Boardroom, and got handed an pretty unavoidable sacking. Cue a slightly overlong hug goodbye with Michael, and a walk off into the sunset. Back at the house, Michael's too choked with emotion to talk about it; just sniffling that he's lost a 'friend' - hmmmm

TV gold

Edinburgh, you're fired!

Last week the crashing ineptitude of Kevin prompted us to downgrade HBOS stock to Sell. This week the sainted Margaret gives the devastating pronouncement on Scotland's ancient seat of learning "Edinburgh isn't what it was".

This in response to alumni Michael acting like a complete cock in his pursuit of a kosher chicken; as the teams crashed through a Marrakech souk trying to haggle their way to victory.

Michael, along with Raef, Lee and Alex continue to give men a bad name; by being utter mouth drooling morons. The blessed Margaret must absolutely despair at the shiny suited poltroons before her. They truly have the brains of a Next shop window, and the depth of a self help book dust jacket. "I'm arrogant" proclaims Michael "I don't care who thinks so!" - exhibiting a clinical level of self delusion.

The women at least show a degree of gumption. Although in Jenny, Jennifer, Helene and Claire's case this means falling on the weakest of the herd like a pack of rapacious harpies.

A pack thinned this week, as Surallen offers the grateful public a special promotion to enliven the show - SODOF: sack one, dismiss one free. Claiming the scalps of Jenny AND Jennifer. Result!

I know, I know, I've been busy and have to catch up with the weekend edition. Plus, I'm still mourning the departure of stout yeoman Simon.

This edition's barkingly unrelated location was 'ackney Town Hall. Chosen to underline Surallen's 'umble start in life. As if his screamingly nouveau Rolls Royce didn't make that abundantly clear.

The task is to create and sell a new greeting card idea - is it me or are we having a lot of make/market tasks this season.

Alpha team captain is Michael Sophocles, Telesales Executive ("you want mobile phone insurance with that?"). He suggests a 'Congratulations on your boob job' theme. Thankfully the sainted Margaret is not shadowing the Alpha group, I fear if her eyes roll back any further she might permanently go blind. They settle for the comparatively better National Singles Day. Michael then fixates on where the apostrophe should go in Singles - including phoning the Telegraph to try and talk to the Editor. Which gave me the biggest laugh of the programme, The Telegraph is notorious for its slipshod use of the semi-colon.

Three hours later Michael works out the correct position for the apostrophe is in the - it doesn't matter a damn section of his to-do list (Singles' btw). He gets on with picking the date for this new day - February 13th. At which point the producers probably wanted to shag him right there and then; and any viewers who work in retail, or have ever been in a shop, are in the foetal position giggling uncontrollably.

Over at team Renaissance, milksop Kevin has been bullied by Jenny 'voice of terror' Celerier into selecting Environment Day. Imagine the Dalek's with Jenny's voice; there's a bowel loosener for you. The sheer dementedness of this is momentarily lost on me, as I became distracted by stubble.

Lee McQueen has stubble because he thinks it signifies that he's such an alpha male, the testosterone is just bursting out of him. Personally I look at him and think - 'strong back for the hod carrying'. Alex Wotherspoon has stubble because he secretly masturbates to images of Colin Farrell.

Anyway. Back at Renaissance, Kevin makes his second mistake by taking this lunatic idea and pitching it himself; rather than doing the world a favour and handing the steaming (organic) turd to Claire to crash and burn with. And crash and burn he does. Three hectoring presentations later and team Renaissance's dreams are in the composting toilet.

Over at Alpha, Michael is alerted by the retailer's hysterical laughter in the first two pitches, and moves the date of National Singles Day when he does the final round. An absolutely crucial 'learn from your mistakes' moment. It's doubtful any of the other morons would have changed tack.

Kevin's into the boardroom, and making his third and final mistake. An error I found inexplicable, surely a self-aggrandising little twerp like him should have learnt that if you fuck up you need someone to take the blame. Into the boardroom he takes Disney princess Sara Dhada and Claire 'bag of vipers' Young. Leaving Jenny, the architect of his destruction, in the clear!?!??!

Now I'd be prepared to put money on the fact that Surallen has, on more than one occasion, imagined the doe-eyed Sara 'working under him'. So she's obviously safe; and he loves Claire 'cause she's in RETAIL (like he hasn't been for 20 years), so Kevin's on for a well deserved sacking.

Or, can you organise a piss-up in a brewery?

In the boy's case, no.

The catering business is all about cost of ingredients and portion control. You can serve any old slop out front if you get that right.

The boys got the 'serve any old slop' bit spot on; with rabbit in the headlights Kevin Shaw in charge of the kitchen. The Halifax believe this stuttering nonentity is Area Manager material. Which just goes to illustrate how deskilled financial services has become. Perhaps the run on Halifax stock was a smart move after all.

The Boys turned over enough covers in the pub, but Project Leader Ian Stringer's spectacular ineptitude in managing costs meant they lost on profit. Sur Allen had absolutely no option but to sack Stringer. A performance like that should render him unemployable. Which is the true pleasure of The Apprentice. It's like if Big Brother contestants were dropped into a cage of rats upon eviction.

Stringer's only option to keep body and soul together will be selling his arse on the dockside. And doubtless he'll price that wrong: "who gave you 50p?", "they all did......."

But it's a shame he had to go, because I was rather hoping Simon Smith would get the chop. So I could hire him immediately. Inevitably he'll get kicked out in a few weeks time because he hasn't got 'vision' or some such other bollox. When in reality, he's the guy you want to get the job done. I'm off to Catterick next week to recruit a dozen NCOs

Simon will doubtless get sacked, carrying the can for boorish Lee McQueen's fuck-up. McQueen is from the FHM school of management, and is looking like a contender at the moment. Which is terribly depressing. His 'fix the blame, not the problem' style will doubtless see him knifing his way to the top.

or "Sur Allen" and the sixteen dwarves

Another year, another bunch of incompetents; masters of their own deluded little universes. All ready to give 110%, go the last mile, fight to the finish; or whatever other bollox they read off the back of a management self-help book.

This time around their supposed job titles are even more ludicrous than before:

'International Car Trader' ????? (translation I sold my Honda Civic on ebay)

'Telesales Executive' - "can I take the first line of your address and postcode..."

'Barrister, Artist' and Property Developer - twat

'Global Pricing Leader' - £5 grand quote for a £200 quid laundry job anyone?

The laundry debacle did illustrate rather well those two cornerstones of a good business - price your widget correctly; and get it successfully from A to B

Raef Bjayou seems to be planning a strategy of sleeping his way to the top; with the other Boys. It seems to be going well so far, they're positively fainting in his presence.

Jenny Celerier on the other hand is going for the tried and tested: I'm going to be such a televisual bitch the ratings would crater if you sacked me. Plus with her "If you’re sitting on the fence, you’re taking up too much space" mission statement, she's taken bollox to a whole new level.

If this is the cream of British management potential, I'm moving to Belgium.