Posts (page 2)

The task is to design packaging for a box of tissues, and produce a TV ad. Never in the field of reality TV has so little a premise delivered so much.

Alpha is headed by Alex, with Lucinda and Lee. Renaissance is helmed by Raef, with Claire, Helene and Michael.

The increasingly demented Lucinda (a woman who makes me want to stab kittens) suggests a gay tissue theme. Pitching this to screamingly heterosexual Lee, and his beard, Alex; probably not the best move - "I don't want to go round to Lee's house and see he's got gay tissues; sitting on his table; gayley, in all their gayness!" (I'm paraphrasing slightly); "nah mate, yeah, too right mate!".

Lucinda is clearly in the wrong group. Her pitch would have met with more interest over at Renaissance. Where Raef and Michael are taking creative control and method acting out their TV script. Raef's "oh you've got yoghurt all over your face!" is right up there with images of Sebastian Coe and William Hague's judo sessions. Cabbing over to the shoot the next morning they exchange their favourite show tune melodies - Michael doing a credible Fagin, and Raef being quite the nancy.

Just when you though it couldn't get any more Brokeback, their brand spokesperson for the day arrives: Sian 'poor mans Judy Garland' Lloyd. Who they both agree is sweet, wholesome, and perhaps a little bit tragic..........

It is quite the most bizarre choice. If you were ranking TV presenters by tissue consumption Sian Lloyd would be pretty far down the running order. Melissa Theuriau on the other hand....

Anyway, Alpha threw together a pretty standard commercial which rammed the pack shot down your throat and shouted about the benefits - they won hands down. Which meant Raef was in the Boardroom, and got handed an pretty unavoidable sacking. Cue a slightly overlong hug goodbye with Michael, and a walk off into the sunset. Back at the house, Michael's too choked with emotion to talk about it; just sniffling that he's lost a 'friend' - hmmmm

TV gold

ah sweet, sweet music

Slovenia have done a Bucks Fizz skirt pull - good effort!

Ireland have jumped the shark!!

This is M&S greenwash

I grabbed a sandwich today (it's not all lap dancing clubs and expense account lunches you know), and I had to ask twice for a plastic bag. The assistant finally relented, but gave me a look like I was planning to use it to choke the nearest seal.

It seems this is part of Marks & Spencer's 'Plan A' environmental drive. Which must have looked pretty good up on the PR agency flip chart during the thought-guffing session. But in reality is utter transparent bollox.

M&S foodhall is the definition of conspicuous, and unnecessary consumption. Aisles of out of season fruit and vegetables transported in from Kenya or Guatemala. Rows of over processed and packaged indulgences for jaded consumers.

It's shameless pandering.

They might be excused by some as 90 minute bigots, but Billy's Boys fuel and perpetuate sectarian divisions. It's disheartening to see a progressive city like Manchester offer them such hospitality, without any challenge to the rascist bile they spout.

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Edinburgh, you're fired!

Last week the crashing ineptitude of Kevin prompted us to downgrade HBOS stock to Sell. This week the sainted Margaret gives the devastating pronouncement on Scotland's ancient seat of learning "Edinburgh isn't what it was".

This in response to alumni Michael acting like a complete cock in his pursuit of a kosher chicken; as the teams crashed through a Marrakech souk trying to haggle their way to victory.

Michael, along with Raef, Lee and Alex continue to give men a bad name; by being utter mouth drooling morons. The blessed Margaret must absolutely despair at the shiny suited poltroons before her. They truly have the brains of a Next shop window, and the depth of a self help book dust jacket. "I'm arrogant" proclaims Michael "I don't care who thinks so!" - exhibiting a clinical level of self delusion.

The women at least show a degree of gumption. Although in Jenny, Jennifer, Helene and Claire's case this means falling on the weakest of the herd like a pack of rapacious harpies.

A pack thinned this week, as Surallen offers the grateful public a special promotion to enliven the show - SODOF: sack one, dismiss one free. Claiming the scalps of Jenny AND Jennifer. Result!

I know, I know, I've been busy and have to catch up with the weekend edition. Plus, I'm still mourning the departure of stout yeoman Simon.

This edition's barkingly unrelated location was 'ackney Town Hall. Chosen to underline Surallen's 'umble start in life. As if his screamingly nouveau Rolls Royce didn't make that abundantly clear.

The task is to create and sell a new greeting card idea - is it me or are we having a lot of make/market tasks this season.

Alpha team captain is Michael Sophocles, Telesales Executive ("you want mobile phone insurance with that?"). He suggests a 'Congratulations on your boob job' theme. Thankfully the sainted Margaret is not shadowing the Alpha group, I fear if her eyes roll back any further she might permanently go blind. They settle for the comparatively better National Singles Day. Michael then fixates on where the apostrophe should go in Singles - including phoning the Telegraph to try and talk to the Editor. Which gave me the biggest laugh of the programme, The Telegraph is notorious for its slipshod use of the semi-colon.

Three hours later Michael works out the correct position for the apostrophe is in the - it doesn't matter a damn section of his to-do list (Singles' btw). He gets on with picking the date for this new day - February 13th. At which point the producers probably wanted to shag him right there and then; and any viewers who work in retail, or have ever been in a shop, are in the foetal position giggling uncontrollably.

Over at team Renaissance, milksop Kevin has been bullied by Jenny 'voice of terror' Celerier into selecting Environment Day. Imagine the Dalek's with Jenny's voice; there's a bowel loosener for you. The sheer dementedness of this is momentarily lost on me, as I became distracted by stubble.

Lee McQueen has stubble because he thinks it signifies that he's such an alpha male, the testosterone is just bursting out of him. Personally I look at him and think - 'strong back for the hod carrying'. Alex Wotherspoon has stubble because he secretly masturbates to images of Colin Farrell.

Anyway. Back at Renaissance, Kevin makes his second mistake by taking this lunatic idea and pitching it himself; rather than doing the world a favour and handing the steaming (organic) turd to Claire to crash and burn with. And crash and burn he does. Three hectoring presentations later and team Renaissance's dreams are in the composting toilet.

Over at Alpha, Michael is alerted by the retailer's hysterical laughter in the first two pitches, and moves the date of National Singles Day when he does the final round. An absolutely crucial 'learn from your mistakes' moment. It's doubtful any of the other morons would have changed tack.

Kevin's into the boardroom, and making his third and final mistake. An error I found inexplicable, surely a self-aggrandising little twerp like him should have learnt that if you fuck up you need someone to take the blame. Into the boardroom he takes Disney princess Sara Dhada and Claire 'bag of vipers' Young. Leaving Jenny, the architect of his destruction, in the clear!?!??!

Now I'd be prepared to put money on the fact that Surallen has, on more than one occasion, imagined the doe-eyed Sara 'working under him'. So she's obviously safe; and he loves Claire 'cause she's in RETAIL (like he hasn't been for 20 years), so Kevin's on for a well deserved sacking.

Always liked their sound, and the bands that they influenced; but never seen them live. It was a great show, I wasn't really looking forward to travelling all that way, but glad that I did.

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