Apprentice, week 6

I know, I know, I've been busy and have to catch up with the weekend edition. Plus, I'm still mourning the departure of stout yeoman Simon.

This edition's barkingly unrelated location was 'ackney Town Hall. Chosen to underline Surallen's 'umble start in life. As if his screamingly nouveau Rolls Royce didn't make that abundantly clear.

The task is to create and sell a new greeting card idea - is it me or are we having a lot of make/market tasks this season.

Alpha team captain is Michael Sophocles, Telesales Executive ("you want mobile phone insurance with that?"). He suggests a 'Congratulations on your boob job' theme. Thankfully the sainted Margaret is not shadowing the Alpha group, I fear if her eyes roll back any further she might permanently go blind. They settle for the comparatively better National Singles Day. Michael then fixates on where the apostrophe should go in Singles - including phoning the Telegraph to try and talk to the Editor. Which gave me the biggest laugh of the programme, The Telegraph is notorious for its slipshod use of the semi-colon.

Three hours later Michael works out the correct position for the apostrophe is in the - it doesn't matter a damn section of his to-do list (Singles' btw). He gets on with picking the date for this new day - February 13th. At which point the producers probably wanted to shag him right there and then; and any viewers who work in retail, or have ever been in a shop, are in the foetal position giggling uncontrollably.

Over at team Renaissance, milksop Kevin has been bullied by Jenny 'voice of terror' Celerier into selecting Environment Day. Imagine the Dalek's with Jenny's voice; there's a bowel loosener for you. The sheer dementedness of this is momentarily lost on me, as I became distracted by stubble.

Lee McQueen has stubble because he thinks it signifies that he's such an alpha male, the testosterone is just bursting out of him. Personally I look at him and think - 'strong back for the hod carrying'. Alex Wotherspoon has stubble because he secretly masturbates to images of Colin Farrell.

Anyway. Back at Renaissance, Kevin makes his second mistake by taking this lunatic idea and pitching it himself; rather than doing the world a favour and handing the steaming (organic) turd to Claire to crash and burn with. And crash and burn he does. Three hectoring presentations later and team Renaissance's dreams are in the composting toilet.

Over at Alpha, Michael is alerted by the retailer's hysterical laughter in the first two pitches, and moves the date of National Singles Day when he does the final round. An absolutely crucial 'learn from your mistakes' moment. It's doubtful any of the other morons would have changed tack.

Kevin's into the boardroom, and making his third and final mistake. An error I found inexplicable, surely a self-aggrandising little twerp like him should have learnt that if you fuck up you need someone to take the blame. Into the boardroom he takes Disney princess Sara Dhada and Claire 'bag of vipers' Young. Leaving Jenny, the architect of his destruction, in the clear!?!??!

Now I'd be prepared to put money on the fact that Surallen has, on more than one occasion, imagined the doe-eyed Sara 'working under him'. So she's obviously safe; and he loves Claire 'cause she's in RETAIL (like he hasn't been for 20 years), so Kevin's on for a well deserved sacking.