salaryman’s blog

So I’m going to a writers’ group. I turn up early ‘cause I’m Billy; I go to the room and there’s this guy there, looking like an escaped mental patient with a ½ scale replica of the cross lashed round his neck. And I know I should have said “is this goat fuckers anonymous?” but I didn’t, I said “is the [writers’ group]” and he said “yes it is, I’m Colin”. Twelve others join the room, four Colins, it’s a Colin rich environment.......

It is 2 hours of aural torture. I was ready to ‘fess to 9/11, 7/7 anything; just don’t read me another poem! I’ve always subscribed to the view that the only good poet is a dead poet, and this lot were doing nothing to dissuade me. There’s a guy, he’s about my age, in a backwards baseball cap, riffing like Reverend and the Makers done acapella. But y’know, with a message. And he’s stuttering his sentences with air quotes. Air quotes for words like ‘soup’ and ‘pencil’. And I’m thinking ‘dickhead’. Another who's channeling Jesus through their lumpen prose.

They are quite the most barking bunch of half-wits. And in the midst of this shit tsunami is [insert name of bestselling novelist here] – and I’m thinking is this some form of community service, was there some drink driving case we haven’t heard about, ‘cause there’s no early reason why you’d be within a hundred miles of here???????

Polly Toynbee continues her tireless shilling for New Labour – surely that Damehood can’t be far off now. Even complicity in torture is not enough end her infatuation.

12-18 months from now UK voters are going to have a depressing choice between the Stasi Party and the Nasty Party. But at least when Cameron’s Tory toffs win we’ll have the enemy in front of us, not behind us.

When the call centre asks you to take some phone monkeys out on the town, ‘cause they’ve won a prize for selling the most this month – do take a look at the phone monkeys in question first, before you email to say you couldn’t possibly spare the time.

That way, you might find yourself enjoying an evening in the company of the scrumptious (and just a little slutty) Miss Chevious, Miss Behavin and Miss Guided.

Rather than sitting at home blogging……..

I’m sure he doesn’t mean to, but kill babies he does.

U2 are currently whoring their bollock shrivelingly turgid new album round the media. You can bet not a one of them will ask a question about tax planning.

Bono and U2 have been involved in a long standing tax avoidance scheme to ensure that little of their huge fortune ends up in the Government coffers. After Ireland had the temerity to rule that artists should pay 12.5% corporation tax on annual earning over 250,000, U2 shifted their operation to the Netherlands. They now pay a tiny percentage of tax, in comparison to their poor misguided fans.

Tax avoidance, as everyone knows, kills babies. Denying revenue to the Exchequer means hospitals, nurses, doctors and incubators are under funded. It also reduces the amount of money governments can give in foreign aid. Bestriding the world, sanctimoniously preaching debt relief to all who will give him airtime, a lesser man might stumble under the sheer weight of hypocrisy – not Bono.

After The Girls of Ryanair, Virgin have launched an equally classy bit of promotion. Offering some 'TWA tea' fantasies to all those Disney bound dads in coach. But hey, it's just ironic.

Top work from the ad agency - renting the Catch Me If You Can DVD....

Surely the Democrats aren’t that desperate for support that they need to let a maggot like Kiefer Sutherland stay in the party.

24

As Jack Bauer, Sutherland earns million making torture look sexy. The pernicious and fatuous message of 24 is – if we just rip out the fingernails of this one bad guy we can defuse the bomb/save the school bus/rescue the puppy. Created by self proclaimed “right wing nut job” Joel Surnow and aired on Fox, 24 groomed the public to accept torture as legitimate.

24 is the DVD of choice for troops at Guantanamo Bay. Unlike Child’s Play or I Spit on Your Grave, 24 is a real video nasty, real torture porn. People watch it, then go out and hurt people.

Kiefer (liberal) Sutherland’s excuse – I was only obeying direction

It's My Time?????

Kerrist!!!

Best singer of the 3 won the competition, but Webber should have spent less time whacking off over "the twins", and more time thinking about the song.

The remit for ASBOs is “Act in a manner that causes or is likely to cause alarm or distress; or pursue a course of conduct that causes or is likely to cause alarm or distress.”

The traditional ASBO recipients are children accused of minor public order offences. A bit of graffiti or vandalism. Surely there's more deserving cases out there. People who make our lives a misery. People who think the authorities can’t touch them.

I'm pretty alarmed about the billions of our money we're risking to shore up RBS. In fact I'm getting a bit distressed about it.

Fred Goodwin ex CEO of RBS lives in Edinburgh

Edinburgh Council have an ASBO unit antisocialbehaviour@edinburgh.gov.uk

From those fine people at Urban Dictionary - I feel so proud......